Happy Rosh Hashanah!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but this year I'm getting very active in the Hillel on campus. Mom wants me to start looking for a nice Jewish girl, but I just can't seem to find one who understands me, you know? Not like you do, blog world. I'm so glad we can be bloggers together. Let's never blog apart.

But back to business, lately I've been so tied up in my affiars that I haven't had time to look into your interests. How are you, blogosphere?

so..

i really thought that my last post would give you a clue. but it didn't. i am dealing with a bunch of amatuers here. total and complete amatuers. which clearly makes me look more like a professional. here's what i wish. i wish that more children got cavities. because i had a ton as a child and even more as a pre-adolscent. all children should understand what it's like to sit in the dentist's chair for hours with your mouth being pulled apart.

hahaha

hahaha you forgot to change the password on something. hahahaha. i am so sad. im going down the highway not across the river. or is it down the river? i never remember. anyways i have to go get drunk and say somethings i will immediately regret, and then forget that too. whores.

It's late...

Mom says if I go to sleep without brushing my teeth the monster under my bed will come out as soon as I fall asleep and eat me. And he brushes all the time, so his teeth are extra healthy and sharp. Yeah, instead of using human-toothpaste that makes teeth whiter, monsters use monster-toothpaste with extra-sharpening power. But I'm trying to show my mom that I don't believe her lies any more, so I refuse to brush my teeth.

Now I can't fall asleep. What if this is one of those half-truths, that she says to scare me, but might actually come true? She was right about dad leaving, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't entirely my fault. In fact, I'm not sure that was even my real dad.

I'm gonna clean my room until I get bored. Then I'll probably mess it up so it feels like I'm accomplishing something when I clean it again. Then, right before I go to bed, I'll throw everything on the floor, just to prove that elves won't steal my toys if I leave them out all night. Mom thinks she knows everything; she couldn't even tell me how to sing with all the voices of the Mountain.

I watched Pocahontas today. I think it's great that our cultures just blended so easily through song, beautiful colors, and anthropomorphic, not to mention adorable, animals. I like how the DVD lets you see all the scenes with music, and skip everything else.

If I absolutely had to take a stance, I would have to say I am anti-kicking the Dalai Lama in the crotch.

Screw it, I'll just brush my teeth. No monster is eating me tonight. Unless it's the SLEEP monster! Ha-Ha-Ha!

...there isn't a sleep monster, is there?

another rough one.

so i was riding my bike home from school today when some hill billie in a green ford pick-up truck drove by real fast and sprayed gravel up in my face. i was furious. so i stopped riding and screamed

"HEY YOU HILL-BILLIE MOTHER FUCKER I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT TO SPRAY ALL OVER YOUR FACE, YOU NO GOOD SON OF A BIII...."

i didn't get to finish because the truck had turned around and was coming back toward me. i stood my ground. the truck came barrelling at me but i didn't flinch. the car stopped about two inches away from my front tire and the driver side door opened. and out he walked... he was tall and gorgeous, just like the pictures i had seen. shoulder length blonde hair and and tan strong arms. it was my father. i recognized him from photos i stole from mom. i could tell he didn't recognize me though. "what did you say boy" "nothing sorry, sir, i mean, uh um..." "that's what i thought." and just like that he was gone, tearing down the road.

i got down on my knees stared up into the sky and screamed "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD." so maybe im a little over dramatic so what, i'm a fag, i'm allowed.

i told mom the whole story when i got home. and then she with a red face told me those weren't pictures of my father, but just some old playgirl photos. and that made sense because the pictures were pretty lude. BUT i did meet my first semi-celebrity today. and now i don't feel bad jacking off to my dad's picture. BOO-YAY!

New month

It's a new month. That always puts me in a better mood because it means that I have survived to see another month. And that's pretty cool.

-me.

BAD MOOD!

WHOA. so today i was doing my stand up rountine in the cafeteria, right? like i do every thursday. just tellin' some jokes trying to get some ass, literally i just try to convince people to let me touch their ass. and then after the show some chick comes up to me and tells me about how she was offended by my labia jokes. and i was like "i didn't tell any labia jokes today," and she was all "yeah i know, you told them last year, i have just finished collecting my thoughts on them." and then she was all "i have a labia and i am a bitchy mcCranky-pants. blah blah blah. you suck. blah blah blah. i'm a whore that can't face my own problems and get mad at everything. well subtract everything and just leave you and that's who i am going to take my anger out at. i lead such a sad pathetic life that i took the time to record and research every joke you made. blah blah blah." and then i was all "can i touch your ass?" and that whore-bag let me.