receSs

Happy Rosh Hashanah!

2006-09-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but this year I'm getting very active in the Hillel on campus. Mom wants me to start looking for a nice Jewish girl, but I just can't seem to find one who understands me, you know? Not like you do, blog world. I'm so glad we can be bloggers together. Let's never blog apart.

But back to business, lately I've been so tied up in my affiars that I haven't had time to look into your interests. How are you, blogosphere?

so..

2006-05-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

i really thought that my last post would give you a clue. but it didn't. i am dealing with a bunch of amatuers here. total and complete amatuers. which clearly makes me look more like a professional. here's what i wish. i wish that more children got cavities. because i had a ton as a child and even more as a pre-adolscent. all children should understand what it's like to sit in the dentist's chair for hours with your mouth being pulled apart.

hahaha

2006-05-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

hahaha you forgot to change the password on something. hahahaha. i am so sad. im going down the highway not across the river. or is it down the river? i never remember. anyways i have to go get drunk and say somethings i will immediately regret, and then forget that too. whores.

It's late...

2006-04-11T23:51:00.000-07:00

Mom says if I go to sleep without brushing my teeth the monster under my bed will come out as soon as I fall asleep and eat me. And he brushes all the time, so his teeth are extra healthy and sharp. Yeah, instead of using human-toothpaste that makes teeth whiter, monsters use monster-toothpaste with extra-sharpening power. But I'm trying to show my mom that I don't believe her lies any more, so I refuse to brush my teeth.

Now I can't fall asleep. What if this is one of those half-truths, that she says to scare me, but might actually come true? She was right about dad leaving, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't entirely my fault. In fact, I'm not sure that was even my real dad.

I'm gonna clean my room until I get bored. Then I'll probably mess it up so it feels like I'm accomplishing something when I clean it again. Then, right before I go to bed, I'll throw everything on the floor, just to prove that elves won't steal my toys if I leave them out all night. Mom thinks she knows everything; she couldn't even tell me how to sing with all the voices of the Mountain.

I watched Pocahontas today. I think it's great that our cultures just blended so easily through song, beautiful colors, and anthropomorphic, not to mention adorable, animals. I like how the DVD lets you see all the scenes with music, and skip everything else.

If I absolutely had to take a stance, I would have to say I am anti-kicking the Dalai Lama in the crotch.

Screw it, I'll just brush my teeth. No monster is eating me tonight. Unless it's the SLEEP monster! Ha-Ha-Ha!

...there isn't a sleep monster, is there?

another rough one.

2006-03-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

so i was riding my bike home from school today when some hill billie in a green ford pick-up truck drove by real fast and sprayed gravel up in my face. i was furious. so i stopped riding and screamed

"HEY YOU HILL-BILLIE MOTHER FUCKER I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT TO SPRAY ALL OVER YOUR FACE, YOU NO GOOD SON OF A BIII...."

i didn't get to finish because the truck had turned around and was coming back toward me. i stood my ground. the truck came barrelling at me but i didn't flinch. the car stopped about two inches away from my front tire and the driver side door opened. and out he walked... he was tall and gorgeous, just like the pictures i had seen. shoulder length blonde hair and and tan strong arms. it was my father. i recognized him from photos i stole from mom. i could tell he didn't recognize me though. "what did you say boy" "nothing sorry, sir, i mean, uh um..." "that's what i thought." and just like that he was gone, tearing down the road.

i got down on my knees stared up into the sky and screamed "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD." so maybe im a little over dramatic so what, i'm a fag, i'm allowed.

i told mom the whole story when i got home. and then she with a red face told me those weren't pictures of my father, but just some old playgirl photos. and that made sense because the pictures were pretty lude. BUT i did meet my first semi-celebrity today. and now i don't feel bad jacking off to my dad's picture. BOO-YAY!

New month

2006-03-02T08:08:00.000-08:00

It's a new month. That always puts me in a better mood because it means that I have survived to see another month. And that's pretty cool.

-me.

BAD MOOD!

2006-02-23T07:37:00.000-08:00

WHOA. so today i was doing my stand up rountine in the cafeteria, right? like i do every thursday. just tellin' some jokes trying to get some ass, literally i just try to convince people to let me touch their ass. and then after the show some chick comes up to me and tells me about how she was offended by my labia jokes. and i was like "i didn't tell any labia jokes today," and she was all "yeah i know, you told them last year, i have just finished collecting my thoughts on them." and then she was all "i have a labia and i am a bitchy mcCranky-pants. blah blah blah. you suck. blah blah blah. i'm a whore that can't face my own problems and get mad at everything. well subtract everything and just leave you and that's who i am going to take my anger out at. i lead such a sad pathetic life that i took the time to record and research every joke you made. blah blah blah." and then i was all "can i touch your ass?" and that whore-bag let me.

yo yo yo

2006-02-21T11:09:00.000-08:00

i am thinking about becoming gangsta.

off the hiz-ook for shiz-erious

2006-02-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

i hear that some people are doing something cool tonight.

i guess nobody invited me, though...

i'll stay home and blog, maybe.

or just mix wine and xanax for a while.

i like xanax because it's a palindrome; emo rd nila pastie, suaceb xanax ekili?

-terryrret-

If you love something, let it go.

2006-02-16T12:14:00.000-08:00

I hope this doesn't sound creepy or anything, but I'm looking for you, Jenni. I tried facebook, I tried yahoo peoplesearch, all for nothing. I feel like we've grown apart. And I know maybe there's a chance that you want it this way. I just hope me searching for you doesn't make things awkward between us Jenni. I love what we had. I believe in Us. I'm sorry, baby. Come back to me. Ever since that fateful day when I took a shit and happened to have my notepad with me... I scribble down your number from that stall in the men's room. That's right...

Jenni, I got your number off of a bathroom wall.

But no matter if I use the yellowpages.com reverse phonebook search, I can't seem to find your home address. Goddammit Jenni, you must be from out of town. I just don't think it's a local number...

867-5309.

Most on-campus numbers are 994-xxxx. But I guess you're different. It's probably your cell phone, but with so many possible area codes, there's no way to find you...

I got it! I got it! I got your number on the wall!

Maybe if I go back to that same wall, leave a message asking for an area code, one day the lucky soul who knew you well enough to share your wondrous number with all the world will complete the enigma and finish the area code. Then, maybe then, I'll be able to sleep at night.

-terry-

PS - Don't tell mom I've been talking to girls. She gets very protective.

the most amazing weekend ever

2006-02-13T07:26:00.000-08:00

i went on a roadtrip this weekend without my mom! it was so amazing. i couldn't believe how fun it was. wait stop cut. CUT! i don't know why i was using that silly accent. can i just start this blog over again? i have this numerical anagram i need to show you guys.

i took my laptop with me on the trip, so i could play snood all weekend, but now i lost the power cord. i was gonna buy a new one right away, but i'm jewish and hate spending money. i'll just wait till those girls we stayed with (real live girls! with chesticles and everything!) email me back so i can have them mail me the cord.

charity

2006-02-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

i think charity sucks. my back hurts and i am tired. i want to go home. i don't want to do charity. and i especially don't want to do charity when i am a monkey on stage being fed jokes that aren't funny. i don't want to introduce clubs. i want to watch tv. i really like tv, and perhaps we should just watch tv and call it a charity show. i think everyone would be happier that way, and isn't that what charity is all about?

will someone just give me money for being pathetic? because when it comes down to it i am fairly pathetic.

why i've been gone.

2006-01-24T07:19:00.000-08:00

sorry i haven't made contact in a while... my mom threw my computer away. just literally picked it up and put it in a trash bin. and then i was like "wow, that's affective" because it barely fit in there and i could get it out like so easily. and then she took a meat cleaver and destroyed it. she said she has evidence i was looking a pornography. which its like whatever, ya know? and she said that my grammatical english is going down the tubes and that's what pornography will do to you.

i think shes just upset because she turned me into a faggot.

female comics

2005-12-30T22:05:00.000-08:00

i am currently watching a female comic on comedy central. she has said cunt a whole bunch of times, that makes me respect her and want to be like her. in general i think people who swear a lot are funny. just because so few people can swear, and comment on stereotypes. i wish more comics would do it, and then everyone would be as funny as this lady. you know if they did more jokes about black people liking big asses, and white people being uptight. that's funny. and if they could mention something about asian people being good at math that would help. OR blondes being dumb, as anyone else noticed that? i sure have.

i haven't seen my mom all day that fucking cunt rag bitch whore is probably driving around in her gas guzzling SUV picking up and dropping of kids at soccer practice in between grocery shopping. i hope her latte burns her tongue so she can't taste for days.

present

2005-12-29T15:31:00.000-08:00

so my mom gave me a new retainer for the festival of lights. its purple with sparkles. and i was wearing it in hebrew class today and someone called me a homosexual. i ran into the bathroom and started crying, only to find it was actually the teacher's lounge. then someone pantsed me. i didn't see who did it because of all the tears. so i rode my bike over to the orthodontist and tried to exchange my retainer for store credit, it was a no go.

when i came home mom asked what was wrong and i explained my predictament. she called the mother of the boy who called me a homo, and the mother explained that her son called me a faggot because he could see that i was wearing women's panties. mom quickly hung up and apologized to me for getting our laundry mixed up. i told her i hated her and never wanted to speak to her again and that i wished she would die and that dad was right to walk out on her. she started crying and i threw a knife at her.

but all in all it was a good day because i can keep the retainer i have so desperately wanted.

Cricket, Tea, and Jewness.

2005-12-27T16:30:00.000-08:00

I was going to watch the game tonight, but ESPN isn't showing the cricket championships. Guess I'll just go have a cup of tea with mum and discuss world politics. I really think apartheid would work if we really gave it a good go. Well, we're lighting the fifth chanukah candle soon (we like to stay ahead of the game), so I guess I'll write more later.

first blog

2005-12-27T15:36:00.000-08:00

i'm terry recess. this is my new blog. i am excited and thrilled and exhilirated to be blogging. i just hope my mom doesn't find out. or she'll blog me. oh jokes-a-million, that's what my friends call me. good ol' jokes-a-million.